Often I feel like I'm parenting day to day, impulse to impulse. I think a good method is working, then it crumbles under the weight of my inconsistency. I have ideas that seem right, but then I get sucked up in this whirlwind of emotion and fear and frustration, it approaching unheard, unnoticed. All of a sudden it's spitting me out, leaving us all in tears, emptied.

Oh how I want to do this well. I want to give and give of myself; I want to perfectly balance care of self, care of husband, care of children and home.

I have to. I have to make this my best, this the life I've been given. It is what I have to live. It's all I live. It is the BEST life.

My fear, the one that swallows me, is Asher drowning in his own negativity. That it be found that I am the one that pushed him in.