I can't stop thinking about stuff. Not wanting more stuff but instead, desiring to not care about stuff, and what that looks like. How far does one go in either direction and still justify selflessness, righteousness, living as a good steward?
When I talk about life, our situation, with most people there is an immediate jump to "but it will be great in a few years!" or "the pay off for all this hard work will be so worth it!" I agree with these things yet when I think of our future, of the change in our earnings, I feel fear, I feel anxiety, I feel the weight of what it means to be good with very little and to be great with very much. Right now, I feel rich. I live in a home, drive a newish car, have clothes to wear and bags to pack and children who have luxury in addition to satisfied needs. I have extra to give to others with needs, desires. This is enough for me and in this life I love that I am able to relate to others, there is no jealously, no pretension between hearts. We are all struggling together, we are all looking to fill our lives with love and goodness and deeds that bring those things to others. The people that matter most to me don't live their lives to acquire the best stuff, even if they can "afford it."
I never want to be that person who cares about the best stuff.
I used to be that person.
It was empty.
So where, in the circle of the Jesus followers, is this line to be drawn? For those who have an abundance is it a sin of the heart to keep buying, to keep filling up your home with pretty things, to clothe in trends, to purchase new vehicles or electronics or things that are not needs but rather just modern conveniences that make a strenuous life a little less so? Does feeling peace about a big purchase make it right? How much of our blessings should be shared? Saved? Invested? These thoughts are so fast and furious and covered in emotion for me and our 3 year prospects that I am overwhelmed.
I just want to live well.
I never want stuff to come between hearts. To change a person's respect for me, my husband, to garner disappointment, to be looked upon by all glaring eyes of disparagement. I want every choice we make to be a living sacrifice, I want to give more than I take, share more than I get. I want to use old, and give new. I burn for the Jesus way.
So for me, right now, it comes down to this.
What will I allow to fill me up?
This has been the struggle of my heart for the last few years. The Lord keeps pressing simplicity on my heart, and I desire it so much in our life right now. But I want it to continue beyond our financially challenging years. I don't want legalism to replace the grace we have to buy things we enjoy, but I pray that it never becomes an idol in my life. I pray that the love of money is far from our hearts. I pray that we live our life to be about relationships, about love, about how Jesus wants to use us. He has chosen this path for us, and while it comes with financial blessing I know He will show us how to use it for His glory. I just pray my heart and mind are ready to say yes. Jen, you have such an amazing heart for the Lord and He sees that more intimately than those who know you best. He will guide you to use the finances He's given you to bless others in amazing ways, even as you are now. But more than you want to bless others, He wants to bless you. So be filled with Him, Jen, and let Him pour out His blessings on you and your family and guide you through every detail of how to use it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Autumn. I just don't ever want our financial position to be a burden to some one else because of how we use it, you know. It's simple things like, "Yes we can afford a [insert luxury care here], but there is nothing wrong with a Toyota instead." That sort of thing. Simplicity is probably the best description for it. Living simply so that we can see clearly to what really matters. Not getting caught up in trendiness or having the "best" or really even the "better" but instead being truly content with least flashy. And I do want to say "YES! Yes Lord, I will give and live EXACTLY how you desire." Even if that means never having this "dream home" I think about sometimes, or never driving a near new car. These things are SILLY in comparison to real struggles. Silly. I'm ranting. Oh, this is just SO important to me, I never want to lose sight of it. Hold us accountable Autumn, as a family in the same situation, PLEASE speak the truth in love if ever it is needed!
DeleteI have been thinking about how a person's heart is revealed by money...both in having none and having abundance. We have big ideas of how much we'd do / give / serve / help if only we had more money, but the reality is that we will live the same way with much as we do with little. It's like MONEY is a giant magnifying glass that reveals the priority of our hearts.
ReplyDeleteYou and Corey are definitely faithful with little, and I am excited to see the difference your future money will make in the world. We have some really awesome role models in this regard, and I know that you two will join that generous group.
Rachel
amen!! :):) I think it's so crazy how quickly we can slip into, "Well, I'll buy expensive now because I can afford it"--as opposed to thinking, "I will live well, but I don't need to drastically change my standard of living. I can do all kinds of good with this extra money!!" --And that's FREEDOM!! :)
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