Sunday, June 27, 2010


Kneeling, the sun at my back and weeds being erected from the soil in fistfuls. I'm finding more and more that there is a connectedness between fragile and divine that happens in this posture. More than once I've found myself planting, watering, pulling the unwanted with my mind wandering on Him as an omniscient, omnipresent gardener, pulling with gentle urgency the weeds choking out the harvest of what is good and sincere in me. Lately I've been seeing the depth of my depravity, the truth in my downfalls and how they are affecting my sweet son. How, even though they aren't consistent, my interspersed fits of rage and frustration alter him. He is drinking in my example, and the bad seems to sink in, anchoring the folly in his heart while we try desperately to teach him to be good, compassionate, dare say, patient. I tell myself, "You have to stop this. No more yelling. No more harsh punishment." Then the defiance, the expression of two year old frustration yanks at the chain of my indifference and once again I find myself prey to the prowling. OH, to remember Yahweh in these moments, I feel like a lesser disciple that I can't seem to consider His power to change me in those moments.

I'm finding joy also, though, through dirty fingertips soiled through cheap garden gloves. Finding that I love making something plain become something beautiful, useful, extraordinary. Harvesting broccoli from our garden and watching little peppers form from tiny buds is strangely exhilarating. I don't mind that more often than not I'm found sweaty with dirt laden finger nails, because the reward is just so rich. To see what was plain and green blossom into dainty pink petals along our sidewalk, knowing that I chose their place and purposed them to make the simple so lovely. These simple things in life, I'm trying to remember them, revel in how good things are now. It is a season. While my heart struggles with wandering, I want to rest in this sweetness, knowing that there will be a different time when things will perhaps be harder, trials will shake us but that ultimately it is all good, for good and that right now I am just to soak it in deep, as water on roots.

So digging and yanking produce empty spaces, filled by the unwanted no more I'm seeing romance in the cracks. Working together with this man I love, the sand on his cheeks and the glisten of work on his brow and together we are creating memorable things. In the garden, in our hearts. I connect with him deeply through the process of eradicating ragweed pavers and creating spaces for color and vibrant growth. A space for coffee sipping, late night talk among the flowers, visions I have for the special plot beneath the kitchen window. We're learning with tiny strides the vital lessons of creating connection with hurried time cards. I want to connect as deep as the roots of the cottonwood grow, I want to know him as far as the seed is blown. Little moments will add up to meaningful forevers.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I have strep and nonsense about lifestyle

I came down with strep throat on Wednesday night. It's now Friday and I still feel the cold fist of death clenching my throat glands, but a few more doses of amoxicillin should be the ticket. I hope.

I've been quarantined to a room for the most part, everything I touch is wiped with disinfectant urgency and I can't kiss my kids or my best friend. It has left me feeling a little out of touch and, honestly, depressed. I hadn't realized how much simple touches and gestures stir the peace in my heart, how snuggling all my loves has such an effect on my well being. I am grateful to still be nursing my sweet Shiloh, that closeness is the only thing keeping my sanity tied by a loose thread.

In all this time of separation under one roof I've been reading. A hundred pages in War and Peace, fifty in Wisdom Hunter twenty in Same Kind of Different As Me and snippets of scripture here and there. And mostly I've been thinking.

My thoughts keep falling on criticism, on how quick our generation is, in general, to assume the worst of one another, to put ill into the most innocent of motives, how simple comments about ones own life draw out rage and insecurity in others. And tongue lashings ensue. I love my life, I'm proud of my choices, I believe fully that God has walked us down these paths very meticulously and that I am being asked to live this way. I am being called to stay at home with my children, to have a large family, to home school and teach them virtue along with their algebra. I enjoy cooking from scratch, keeping an organized and tidy house, staying fit and healthy and encouraging my family to do the same. Do I do these things to shame those who don't? Absolutely by NO MEANS. Everyone is on a different path, a different journey, and while there are some things that I would not choose for my family, I am not in a position to chastise others for doing what works for them. Our society would not do well if we all grew up the same, that would be a bit boring, don't you think?

All this to say I think I've realized that unless asked, I need to keep my lifestyle to myself. These choices are not a pretense for judgment, of me or others. I live how I live because it's the best life I know how to make for me and my family, not because I think it's the life everyone should or even can be living. I choose and live and will not be a sounding board spouting off remarks that could potentially draw out hurts or insecurities in others. I will live being as much of an example of good stewardship of all of these gifts as He will give me strength to be.