Sunday, May 22, 2011


Seven short days separate me from the day I was married. Six years ago on that day I made a commitment, I spoke vows, I kissed the man I had loved for so long for the first time. The interesting thing about marriage though, is that it wasn't just me that did all of those things, WE did those things, together.

I'm learning as years pass and life changes and new little people enter the picture; as Corey finds a rhythm and purpose for his career, that no matter what other factors are in place this one truth remains: the most important part of my forever here on this Earth, has to do with this man. Who we are together and who we help one another to be when apart shapes and shades everything else. I CAN stand alone and be who I want to be, but at what cost?

In these six years I have learned more from Corey, from union, from highs and lows, than I've learned anywhere else, any other time, but the most important element of life I've learned from him is integrity. This man is HONORABLE. He was everyday of our dating adventure, never putting us in a situation to compromise the well being of our love, he is in his daily walk, he is at work, at home, in the car. In every way he is worthy of this description. I aspire to be a suitable helper in his fierce battle for this everyday. It has made me better. Honor was never really my strength of character before him.

I think God knew I needed marriage to grow this way. He knew I could only know Him intimately through engaging this married life. He knew that having been abandoned by my own father, I needed to see Corey raise up these children to understand how He has been there raising me up all along. Not everyone needs this. I know I did. And I LOVE knowing that this is forever for me, there is NO option of separation, of life apart, of growing cold or old or too much of something for each other because when you marry a man of honor, you can put your trust and faith in that.

Monday, May 16, 2011

long time coming

I want to write more often. So badly. Between the obligations of each day, and the perfunctory joys I find little time for the things that are solely for me. I accept that as this era, this glimmering moment in time when my babies are little and my husband is away many hours. This time just isn't for me.

Even so I am learning to revel in the minors, the details that make me savor. I've so enjoyed waking up to the sunrise in my kitchen, pulling back curtains to feed the little vase of flowers I keep, observing how the flowers I planted have grown and are thriving all the more even just from the night before. Planting and growing and making the mundane beautiful is a gift, I've felt so often that kneeling in the dirt with flats of flowers and border vines is soothing to my soul, and that God speaks to me in those moments. My children run about in the yard with shovels of sand or wands for making bubbles and He speaks to me about creation and my place in it and sometimes things make sense to me there, that would otherwise have remained a mystery.

I've started REALLY praying for my husband for the first time in six years. Not just the mundane "Please help him, Lord"s but a daily list of specific details for his life that I would otherwise have never known to speak. It makes me feel more connected to him, to what he is when he isn't here. I never worry that he is not the same man, I married a man whose strength is his integrity, his penchant for honor and truthfulness. All the same, praying that he enjoys his day, his activities, his relationships outside of our family, even praying over his manliness as he strives to pattern it after Christ is helping me see him a little bit differently.

I know that soon, likely less than 8 weeks from today, my mornings will be shared with a new little wide eyed soul. Fresh and innocent to the ups and downs and striving of this life. I have a responsibility to maintain that innocence as long as possible, my children have a right to savor childhood as long as possible. It is so much up to me to ensure that, and to do so I must make myself innocent in my example. This is so hard to do in a world with worldly pressures. Even now I'm at the crest of deciding painful things that will speak volumes in the lives of others, the question of do I meddle and in trying to do what's right, potentially do harm? Or is more wrong done in simply ignoring otherwise unseen evils? These are hard rocks I face and must protect my children from for now.

It's 7am now and time for everyone to rise, but this simple thirty minutes of expression feels good, I think I need to make more time for times such as these.