In the recesses of my heart I know that I am meant to be exactly who I am.
I know that I am not the most beautiful woman the world has seen, but I am beautiful to those that matter.
I know that I am not brilliant, I will never see my name published with prominent medical discoveries, no one will write books about me and my many accolades, but my son thinks I know all the world has to offer.
There are many other things I know about myself, things that I can, regrettably, hinge my self worth on. It gets so tiring, living up to a too high standard of beauty, intelligence, ability, perfection. I get this, I get it that I'm not supposed be perfect, I never will be, but I find myself silently measuring myself up. Mostly against my image of perfect self, but also against the pedestal I seem to put everyone else on.
I find myself feeling simple, not as interesting as so and so who knows all the obscure words that start with the letter Q and seems to be ever reading books with deep meanings I can't even fake my way through comprehending. There is always another mom at the gym who is skinnier, with fewer wrinkles and less inner thigh. Some one always seem to keep a cleaner house, have better behaved boys, love deeper, be more thoughtful, know more scripture, pray more fervently, etc., etc.
This is exhausting.
Even as I write this I wonder what people out there are thinking, I find myself catering my words to the eyes of others. When I started this blasted space for me, created in a state of not caring what anyone thought of what I put here, but just needing to pound it out from time to time.
I think so many of these thoughts stem from this one idea I have of myself that I am not truly gifted at anything. There are several things I am pretty good at, but no real, unabashed talent. I tend to think that if there was ONE thing in which I was really really amazing, then people would think I was so good at it that they would ask me to speak on it or something. I would be satisfied then.
But I wouldn't.
When will I be?
I think it's an enduring process, a divinely designed one, that will greet me when I'm old and wise in ways I can't fathom yet.
But GEEZ I wish I could be there now.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
dishonesty
Truthfulness. This is not a trait that summed up even a portion of me in past years, much less the whole. For many years after being redeemed I continued to struggle, to sit, the marinate in deceit. As I dug deeper holes and basted one falsehood after another onto my resume, my vision got darker and darker. One day, I came clean. God finally poked and prodded and convicted my spirit enough that I confessed all of those skeletons, the light penetrated and I was filled with dark no more. I still struggle of course. White lies and exaggerations to puff up a story. The difference now is that I FIGHT to come clean, to reverse the untruth, to make right what my pride aches to make wrong.
And now this, to be caught in the run around of some one else's foul play.
We started engaging in paper work for our home in April of 2009. Forms were faxed and emailed. Amended and rewritten. The shuffle of moving from Texas to Illinois was not particularly chaotic, we purged most of our belongings in a hope to simplify our new life in a new home. Some how, however, in the hub bub of signing and waiting, we must have missed a very important piece of information on a very important document that we some how can't seem to locate in our own records despite having a copy of every other form. We, according to our agent, signed a disclosure form that stated the presence of foundation braces supporting the North wall of our basement. Neither Corey nor I remember this form, and we certainly don't recall anyone verbally highlighting this point to us. We would not have bought the house had this been brought to our attention.
Cleverly, these braces were covered by brand new dry wall and rendered invisible to the naked eye. We only recently discovered them when water leaking into the basement caused a mold scare that left us ripping out walls left and right. In that process the main source of the water was discovered, one third of the North wall, the section making up the garage, is in desperate NEED of a brace. The cinder blocks are cracked, allowing water and debris to flow freely.
Now we are left feeling duped. How did we miss this? Did we really over look it? Where is this form in OUR records. I am not playing with accusations of foul play, I just wish the pieces would come together here. Currently it's looking like we have to bite the bullet and fix this problem ourselves, but it is disheartening. How could some one knowingly cover such a major problem and then "hide" their confession on one line of one document that was slipped to us during the "sign heres?"
I know how.
The same way I once covered up a major sin against the person I loved most because I feared their rejection. The same way I could lie so easily about experiences and adventures and the prices I paid for things. Because my soul was empty. Because I didn't really see the greater purpose set out for me and that I was made for something so much better. That walking in the truth and the light makes for a far grander story than anything fabricated by a feeble imagination.
And because I can now see this, I am empowered to let go of any bitterness or anger. I can sit at peace, knowing that all the details of our situation, and hers, are taken care of. There is no reason to seek vengeance, for that is the Lord's. I am only asked to hear his call, trusting that He will lead us if action should be taken to bring about justice, but that if we are asked to simply accept this hand...that's ok too.
For ALL have sinned, and fall short of the glory.
And now this, to be caught in the run around of some one else's foul play.
We started engaging in paper work for our home in April of 2009. Forms were faxed and emailed. Amended and rewritten. The shuffle of moving from Texas to Illinois was not particularly chaotic, we purged most of our belongings in a hope to simplify our new life in a new home. Some how, however, in the hub bub of signing and waiting, we must have missed a very important piece of information on a very important document that we some how can't seem to locate in our own records despite having a copy of every other form. We, according to our agent, signed a disclosure form that stated the presence of foundation braces supporting the North wall of our basement. Neither Corey nor I remember this form, and we certainly don't recall anyone verbally highlighting this point to us. We would not have bought the house had this been brought to our attention.
Cleverly, these braces were covered by brand new dry wall and rendered invisible to the naked eye. We only recently discovered them when water leaking into the basement caused a mold scare that left us ripping out walls left and right. In that process the main source of the water was discovered, one third of the North wall, the section making up the garage, is in desperate NEED of a brace. The cinder blocks are cracked, allowing water and debris to flow freely.
Now we are left feeling duped. How did we miss this? Did we really over look it? Where is this form in OUR records. I am not playing with accusations of foul play, I just wish the pieces would come together here. Currently it's looking like we have to bite the bullet and fix this problem ourselves, but it is disheartening. How could some one knowingly cover such a major problem and then "hide" their confession on one line of one document that was slipped to us during the "sign heres?"
I know how.
The same way I once covered up a major sin against the person I loved most because I feared their rejection. The same way I could lie so easily about experiences and adventures and the prices I paid for things. Because my soul was empty. Because I didn't really see the greater purpose set out for me and that I was made for something so much better. That walking in the truth and the light makes for a far grander story than anything fabricated by a feeble imagination.
And because I can now see this, I am empowered to let go of any bitterness or anger. I can sit at peace, knowing that all the details of our situation, and hers, are taken care of. There is no reason to seek vengeance, for that is the Lord's. I am only asked to hear his call, trusting that He will lead us if action should be taken to bring about justice, but that if we are asked to simply accept this hand...that's ok too.
For ALL have sinned, and fall short of the glory.
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