Saturday, July 31, 2010


In the recesses of my heart I know that I am meant to be exactly who I am.

I know that I am not the most beautiful woman the world has seen, but I am beautiful to those that matter.

I know that I am not brilliant, I will never see my name published with prominent medical discoveries, no one will write books about me and my many accolades, but my son thinks I know all the world has to offer.

There are many other things I know about myself, things that I can, regrettably, hinge my self worth on. It gets so tiring, living up to a too high standard of beauty, intelligence, ability, perfection. I get this, I get it that I'm not supposed be perfect, I never will be, but I find myself silently measuring myself up. Mostly against my image of perfect self, but also against the pedestal I seem to put everyone else on.

I find myself feeling simple, not as interesting as so and so who knows all the obscure words that start with the letter Q and seems to be ever reading books with deep meanings I can't even fake my way through comprehending. There is always another mom at the gym who is skinnier, with fewer wrinkles and less inner thigh. Some one always seem to keep a cleaner house, have better behaved boys, love deeper, be more thoughtful, know more scripture, pray more fervently, etc., etc.

This is exhausting.

Even as I write this I wonder what people out there are thinking, I find myself catering my words to the eyes of others. When I started this blasted space for me, created in a state of not caring what anyone thought of what I put here, but just needing to pound it out from time to time.

I think so many of these thoughts stem from this one idea I have of myself that I am not truly gifted at anything. There are several things I am pretty good at, but no real, unabashed talent. I tend to think that if there was ONE thing in which I was really really amazing, then people would think I was so good at it that they would ask me to speak on it or something. I would be satisfied then.

But I wouldn't.

When will I be?

I think it's an enduring process, a divinely designed one, that will greet me when I'm old and wise in ways I can't fathom yet.

But GEEZ I wish I could be there now.

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