Sunday, August 18, 2013

coming to terms

In the last year I've come to see and accept that I have a problem. A problem that never surfaced prior to having children, one that I never thought I would struggle with. But I'm in the trenches of it, it suffocates me and I'm on a quest to dig myself out of this horrid pit.

It may seem like nothing, but this plague in my heart, it's yelling. As we've added more children and more responsibilities and more more more of life, I've found that I am spinning out of control at times, and it is in those times that the anger comes out. It spills out in rage-face, finger shaking, counter pounding raised voice, and it is so ugly. It has made Shiloh cry more than once, she has said through her tears ,"I don't like you right now." It has caused Asher (who is the unfortunate target of most of this uncivil behavior) to cower if I walk briskly toward him. I hate it, oh I hate it so much and I know that the best way to overcome a weakness is to face it, to confess it and put it on display and ask for prayer and accountability. I am done with it, I am done with living every day with this tension bubbling beneath the surface, waiting for one of my children to make a bad choice or make a mess or treat each other cruelly so that I can return their cruelty with explosive voice.

So here it is. I've put it out there in confession, in humility I bow low and ask for prayers, for advice, but also that if you struggle as I do, that you confront it with me, that we over come together. I have been reading and applying new lessons I've learned from The Orange Rhino, committing to memory verses that speak gentleness into my heart. I tried challenging myself not to yell, I got to 31 days before something trivial opened the flood gates again and since then I have been back sliding farther and thus I am here, opening myself up to your judgments, your empathy, perhaps your condescension. I'm okay with that. In the end, I want to look back and know that I let my real self be known, that I wasn't trying to create a mask, a series of perfectly cropped IG photos or carefully written status updates to make others feel inferior or even just to build myself up.
,br> My hope is that in exposing the struggles, I will have more triumph to celebrate, and that I can erase the memory of an angry mommy from the hearts of my dear children. They are sweet people, I hope to help them stay that way.


  1. Jen, thank you for being so open and honest about life. It is so refreshing. You are not alone, my friend. I've always been kind and gentle, with sweet words to say...until I had kids. Now this anger swells up in me from an unknown source. It startles me at times, not knowing where it comes from. But you are so right to ask for prayer (please pray for me as well) and to put it out in the open, to render the enemy ineffective. He likes to work in secret, so bringing it to the light brings healing. I will be praying for peace in your heart and gentleness in your words. But I will also be praying for you to have grace for yourself. I think we can be so hard on ourselves that we almost fuel the cycle by beating ourselves up and then needing an outlet for it. God is faithful. His Word is powerful. And your prayers and ours will be heard. Love to you and your sweet family.

  2. This post has hit hard and I've let it roll around in my head for the last few days. I struggle with the exact same issues myself and will join you in prayer so we can be refined as women, wives, and mothers. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Jen, I'm not sure how I am just now reading this...incredibly I noticed right about the time you posted this that I could no longer live yelling at my four. It was a few days after Bree started school that I felt spoken to and at that moment I decided that I was going to stop. You were not alone having your first born fearing you. Many times she was the only one at the receiving end of my screaming sessions. With tears spilling down her face she started responding in not so kind words. What was I teaching her? What was I doing. Since that day He spoke to me I've been working my hardest to not blow. The most amazing part is that it hasn't been HARD. I feel such a peace in my heart. Now, I won't lie. I've had a blowup and after I quickly realized how unneeded it had been. Our home is messier, toy wise. The dishes stay on the table longer. My loads of laundry pile up a litter higher, but eventually get done before I go to bed. We're learning how to live this season of our lives in more peace. Letting go of some of the stresses that caused me to fly off the handle on a daily basis. And you know what? It's nice. My prayers are with you sweet friend. You amaze me with your willingness to share and constantly make me want to be a better version of me (in a good, health be a better person way.) Hugs.

  4. Thank you for being honest. I am asking for accountability in the same area. The struggle is real. Every single day. I found your blog on Insta and would love to be able to follow you (heidiwandering). I also homeschool and am a mother of three.