Sometimes I feel like there are words bulging at the very tips of my fingers, dormant and aching to be released. I feel that way often these days with busy little ones vying for my time and no access to a keyboard for quick out pours of thought. My iPhone is a wonderful blessing, but blogging from it is a frustrating exercise, both tedious and consuming.
Tonight I was blessed by the words of others. My dear dear Rachel who knows me so well enticed others to share their words with me, about me, and while this can often be an awkward, uncomfortable encounter it always leaves the recipient a little lighter and more full of joy than before. As I wander through these days of young motherhood, struggling to learn how to best serve my husband, my children, the kingdom and those who need it I can't help but wonder if I'm doing well, how others perceive my constant push and shove to learn and grow. To never remain stagnant, never walk in circles. At this precipice of new addition it is so so sacred to hear words of encouragement, that other women who have both walked this road before me or who are walking it along side me see good in me, that the gold in me isn't just good intention but that I am living it out enough for it to shine.
I guess in light of that, this is a thank you. Thank you to you ladies who shared laughs and booty shakes with me tonight over coffee and savory treats. Who were willing to share vulnerably the things they see in me. Know that it came at JUST the right time, and that I love you all more for it.
And baby D#3 will be well diapered to boot!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
utmost
Seven short days separate me from the day I was married. Six years ago on that day I made a commitment, I spoke vows, I kissed the man I had loved for so long for the first time. The interesting thing about marriage though, is that it wasn't just me that did all of those things, WE did those things, together.
I'm learning as years pass and life changes and new little people enter the picture; as Corey finds a rhythm and purpose for his career, that no matter what other factors are in place this one truth remains: the most important part of my forever here on this Earth, has to do with this man. Who we are together and who we help one another to be when apart shapes and shades everything else. I CAN stand alone and be who I want to be, but at what cost?
In these six years I have learned more from Corey, from union, from highs and lows, than I've learned anywhere else, any other time, but the most important element of life I've learned from him is integrity. This man is HONORABLE. He was everyday of our dating adventure, never putting us in a situation to compromise the well being of our love, he is in his daily walk, he is at work, at home, in the car. In every way he is worthy of this description. I aspire to be a suitable helper in his fierce battle for this everyday. It has made me better. Honor was never really my strength of character before him.
I think God knew I needed marriage to grow this way. He knew I could only know Him intimately through engaging this married life. He knew that having been abandoned by my own father, I needed to see Corey raise up these children to understand how He has been there raising me up all along. Not everyone needs this. I know I did. And I LOVE knowing that this is forever for me, there is NO option of separation, of life apart, of growing cold or old or too much of something for each other because when you marry a man of honor, you can put your trust and faith in that.
I'm learning as years pass and life changes and new little people enter the picture; as Corey finds a rhythm and purpose for his career, that no matter what other factors are in place this one truth remains: the most important part of my forever here on this Earth, has to do with this man. Who we are together and who we help one another to be when apart shapes and shades everything else. I CAN stand alone and be who I want to be, but at what cost?
In these six years I have learned more from Corey, from union, from highs and lows, than I've learned anywhere else, any other time, but the most important element of life I've learned from him is integrity. This man is HONORABLE. He was everyday of our dating adventure, never putting us in a situation to compromise the well being of our love, he is in his daily walk, he is at work, at home, in the car. In every way he is worthy of this description. I aspire to be a suitable helper in his fierce battle for this everyday. It has made me better. Honor was never really my strength of character before him.
I think God knew I needed marriage to grow this way. He knew I could only know Him intimately through engaging this married life. He knew that having been abandoned by my own father, I needed to see Corey raise up these children to understand how He has been there raising me up all along. Not everyone needs this. I know I did. And I LOVE knowing that this is forever for me, there is NO option of separation, of life apart, of growing cold or old or too much of something for each other because when you marry a man of honor, you can put your trust and faith in that.
Monday, May 16, 2011
long time coming
I want to write more often. So badly. Between the obligations of each day, and the perfunctory joys I find little time for the things that are solely for me. I accept that as this era, this glimmering moment in time when my babies are little and my husband is away many hours. This time just isn't for me.
Even so I am learning to revel in the minors, the details that make me savor. I've so enjoyed waking up to the sunrise in my kitchen, pulling back curtains to feed the little vase of flowers I keep, observing how the flowers I planted have grown and are thriving all the more even just from the night before. Planting and growing and making the mundane beautiful is a gift, I've felt so often that kneeling in the dirt with flats of flowers and border vines is soothing to my soul, and that God speaks to me in those moments. My children run about in the yard with shovels of sand or wands for making bubbles and He speaks to me about creation and my place in it and sometimes things make sense to me there, that would otherwise have remained a mystery.
I've started REALLY praying for my husband for the first time in six years. Not just the mundane "Please help him, Lord"s but a daily list of specific details for his life that I would otherwise have never known to speak. It makes me feel more connected to him, to what he is when he isn't here. I never worry that he is not the same man, I married a man whose strength is his integrity, his penchant for honor and truthfulness. All the same, praying that he enjoys his day, his activities, his relationships outside of our family, even praying over his manliness as he strives to pattern it after Christ is helping me see him a little bit differently.
I know that soon, likely less than 8 weeks from today, my mornings will be shared with a new little wide eyed soul. Fresh and innocent to the ups and downs and striving of this life. I have a responsibility to maintain that innocence as long as possible, my children have a right to savor childhood as long as possible. It is so much up to me to ensure that, and to do so I must make myself innocent in my example. This is so hard to do in a world with worldly pressures. Even now I'm at the crest of deciding painful things that will speak volumes in the lives of others, the question of do I meddle and in trying to do what's right, potentially do harm? Or is more wrong done in simply ignoring otherwise unseen evils? These are hard rocks I face and must protect my children from for now.
It's 7am now and time for everyone to rise, but this simple thirty minutes of expression feels good, I think I need to make more time for times such as these.
Even so I am learning to revel in the minors, the details that make me savor. I've so enjoyed waking up to the sunrise in my kitchen, pulling back curtains to feed the little vase of flowers I keep, observing how the flowers I planted have grown and are thriving all the more even just from the night before. Planting and growing and making the mundane beautiful is a gift, I've felt so often that kneeling in the dirt with flats of flowers and border vines is soothing to my soul, and that God speaks to me in those moments. My children run about in the yard with shovels of sand or wands for making bubbles and He speaks to me about creation and my place in it and sometimes things make sense to me there, that would otherwise have remained a mystery.
I've started REALLY praying for my husband for the first time in six years. Not just the mundane "Please help him, Lord"s but a daily list of specific details for his life that I would otherwise have never known to speak. It makes me feel more connected to him, to what he is when he isn't here. I never worry that he is not the same man, I married a man whose strength is his integrity, his penchant for honor and truthfulness. All the same, praying that he enjoys his day, his activities, his relationships outside of our family, even praying over his manliness as he strives to pattern it after Christ is helping me see him a little bit differently.
I know that soon, likely less than 8 weeks from today, my mornings will be shared with a new little wide eyed soul. Fresh and innocent to the ups and downs and striving of this life. I have a responsibility to maintain that innocence as long as possible, my children have a right to savor childhood as long as possible. It is so much up to me to ensure that, and to do so I must make myself innocent in my example. This is so hard to do in a world with worldly pressures. Even now I'm at the crest of deciding painful things that will speak volumes in the lives of others, the question of do I meddle and in trying to do what's right, potentially do harm? Or is more wrong done in simply ignoring otherwise unseen evils? These are hard rocks I face and must protect my children from for now.
It's 7am now and time for everyone to rise, but this simple thirty minutes of expression feels good, I think I need to make more time for times such as these.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Intentionality
My life is an exercise in living intentionally. Everyday. Making the better choice on an arduously difficult level. Every step taking the path of most resistance. Every parent works their bodies and their minds to this same extent. Some with more fervor than others. Regrettably I have not always recognized this need, often letting emotion, anger rule my heart and my home and now I find that I'm going backward in retraining little hearts to not imitate that which I once was. I cannot stand alone in this, I have covered a space in every room with God's wisdom that I might not sin against him and these precious little people. What a high and daunting responsibility it is to fill little hearts with a love of virtue over a love of self. To deliver into them cases of positive moral choice, to create a warehouse of soul defining options for daily living. Oh how my soul and body ache for some affirmation that when they arrive into adulthood they will rise up and call me blessed.
Friday, October 1, 2010
scratching
I just have a few thoughts bumbling about, scratching at the surface of my limited ability for conscious thinking in between husband, house, kids, church, playdates, blah blah blah. This idea of the redemptive love of Christ, that what he wants more than anything from anyone who claims him is love. Love for him, for our Father, love for others more than for ourselves.
We don't live this way much in America.
I want to be different.
I want to make EVERY decision based on whether or not it will show his love and mercy to my fellow man (or mostly likely, mom). I don't just want to scream and shout about how great God is through this blog or social networks, I want to prove it by being like Him to those who have never seen Him for themselves and especially now, for my children. And this is hard, this ebbing and flowing between conviction and losing track. I go weeks in patience and love with Asher, then one night of sleep deprivation and I snap, I lose control. I yell and damage his fragile heart and I wonder if a seed for the evil one isn't stored in that moment. That frightens me, those invisible seeds. Sometimes that wave of fear is more like a delicately splashed puddle, other times like the after math of tsunami.
Every day I try to remember "we can do no great things, only small things with great love."
I can send out hurt, but I can also say I'm sorry in humility, genuine and unassuming. I can hope that those smalls acts of redemption are enough to carry us all through.
We don't live this way much in America.
I want to be different.
I want to make EVERY decision based on whether or not it will show his love and mercy to my fellow man (or mostly likely, mom). I don't just want to scream and shout about how great God is through this blog or social networks, I want to prove it by being like Him to those who have never seen Him for themselves and especially now, for my children. And this is hard, this ebbing and flowing between conviction and losing track. I go weeks in patience and love with Asher, then one night of sleep deprivation and I snap, I lose control. I yell and damage his fragile heart and I wonder if a seed for the evil one isn't stored in that moment. That frightens me, those invisible seeds. Sometimes that wave of fear is more like a delicately splashed puddle, other times like the after math of tsunami.
Every day I try to remember "we can do no great things, only small things with great love."
I can send out hurt, but I can also say I'm sorry in humility, genuine and unassuming. I can hope that those smalls acts of redemption are enough to carry us all through.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
i've been enamored with...
planting bulbs in the fall that will emerge, brilliant and breathtaking in the coming days of spring
celebrating birth. new cousins, birthday traditions at apple orchards. surprise 4th babies.
thrift store finds that make a home unique and fancy.
watching a big boy emerge from a baby frame: playing legos and sorting dry beans and getting covered in spontaneous morning kisses.
long awaited visits from my mommy.
reading scripture in slippers by open windows with warm home made lattes.
life, wild and precious.
celebrating birth. new cousins, birthday traditions at apple orchards. surprise 4th babies.
thrift store finds that make a home unique and fancy.
watching a big boy emerge from a baby frame: playing legos and sorting dry beans and getting covered in spontaneous morning kisses.
long awaited visits from my mommy.
reading scripture in slippers by open windows with warm home made lattes.
life, wild and precious.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
can't
So he posted this, with the caption "*sigh* God doesn't hate" and it has struck a nerve with me since. Who ARE these people, how did they come to a place of thinking that they were obeying and honoring God by behaving in this fashion? It makes me wonder if there is any hope for those of us who desperately seek Him, who desire to fill the world with the LOVE that we know comes only from Him. Will anyone ever believe us? Maybe some "fags hate God", but I bet it's only because of the sorry light in which we've painted Him. It's not God they hate, it's religion masquerading around like an annoying know-it-all.
The God I know is wrapping his mighty arms around these people, loving them and protecting even when they do wrong, and I'm talking about the people in the picture here. I don't claim to know the mind of God when it comes to homosexuality, I believe there is a reason he asks us not to indulge in it, but I think it's so much more out of a desire to protect us than a desire to hinder us and create boundaries and rules. I'm not even sure where I wanted to go in writing this, treading in such a deep and dangerous water, except to say, more for myself than for you, that for me, for my journey and for the children who will grow up in my care, this will be the law in which we abide:
"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man."
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man."
Showing love. Living mercifully. Opening our arms, our homes, our hearts to the hurting, the confused, those who are fundamentally different from us...THAT is true Christianity. And that is what I hope to live. God! Help me to have the strength, show me how.
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